Health Update - January 6, 2008

For anyone following along, I've been horrible about "blogging" lately. I just can't decide what to include and what to exclude because my blog is read by a variety of people. Friends might just want health updates but not the "other" stuff and I now understand why I maybe should have done my blog through caring bridge - oh well. For now I'll just fly by the seat of my pants.

Surgery Update: (Dec. 9th) It went fine. We arrived at 7:00 am and got home about 6:45 pm. It all went as planned but my bladder didn't want to cooperate until late in the afternoon. It was fine though, because I just slept. I was told to rest for a week and then take it easy for 4 weeks. Nothing heavier than a gallon of milk to lift and no shoveling or vacuuming! Yeah! I was doing pretty good at following directions until I went to lift Ash into a cart at Wal-Mart. Habit. Anyways, we just had to turn around and leave. I literally felt like I had torn something inside. I called my doctor and just was told to take it easy and see how I felt in the morning. I'm still sore in one spot, but I have a 4 week follow up tomorrow.

Treatments: My every three week treatments are going fine too. I have been able to take Ash with me and we bring a portable DVD player and a movie. Herceptin takes about 1.5 hours + blood work etc. He has been a trooper. While in the chemo-waiting room these ladies were chatting with Ashton. They were asking how old he was and if he had brothers or sisters. He was sharing their ages and then said, "and my mom, she's 36." Everyone laughed. The next Herceptin treatment I didn't bring Ash because I had just had surgery and couldn't drive myself. Barb drove me and was my buddy again. Once seated in my chair, the same ladies who had been quizzing Ashton the treatment before were there. They asked about Ashton and then the one who I had noticed drove the nurses crazy with non-stop questions, turned to me and said she just couldn't get me off her mind because as she looked at Ash she said it just made her sick to think that I might not get to raise him. Yikes! Did she really say that? Help - what do you say when someone says what you worry about every day, but has no business saying that to you, especially a stranger. Well I couldn't do anything except sit in my recliner tethered to my IV pole and cry. We mentioned the crazy patient and friend to the nurses and they went ballistic. They said it was the last straw. Apparently, she had offended other patients, hit on male nurses and wreaked havoc in the waiting area. She now was officially banned to the "private" room. She and I are not allowed to be schedule together anymore. Last Friday, I had a herceptin and zometa treatment and brought Ashton with me. We watched Horton Hears a Who - very cute show! No crazy patients - just an easy treatment.

Scans: I have a PET scan scheduled for next week. I am already a basket case. I haven't even had the test, but I fear the worst - normal. It really is hard not to when you have rec'd such crappy news in the past. I really think I might need to go see a social worker again. Two years ago I was referred to a social worker at the hospital and she really helped me through a difficult patch. I really feel like I need to talk to someone, but who? Travis doesn't like to "go there" and lives with a whole set of his own fears that I'm so sad he has to live with. My Friends have a hard time knowing what to say, but I'm grateful for your loyalty and friendship. My biggest problem is I don't know what I really want to even hear other than, You are cured - you'll live a long life. I recently watched "A brand New Year" it is a DVD produced by the church to kick off the new year for the youth. The youth from our ward were part of the youth in the Conference Center when it was being filmed. A point of that video really hit home with me was where Elder Holland is recounting the story of Joan of Arc. In the play, She states, "One life is all we have, and we live it as we believe in living it, and then it is gone. But to surrender what you are and live without belief is more terrible than dying - even more terrible than dying young." I have thought about this a lot since I watched it. Elder Holland states there are 3 things worse than dying. They are to live without belief, to surrender what you are, and to live contrary to what you know to be true. It would be easy I mean easy to loose my faith over this illness. It is a daily effort to stay strong and keep my faith through all of this. But the gospel is true and I cling to the blessing I rec'd the night I was re diagnosed, and I tell myself over and over that Heavenly Father has made me "tight like a dish" (Ether 2:17). He knows that I'm strong enough to handle this trial.

Following the scan I need to decide whether to call and get results or wait until the 23rd of Jan. for my appt. with my doctor. Does it change anything knowing the results ahead of meeting with him, No, but I am someone who likes to know results. But will it be hard knowing "bad" news if it is, without meeting with him to come up with a new plan. Of course. See look at me I'm already preparing for bad news. I need to just relax - I know. It is just so hard. I can't quite explain how difficult this all is.

New Drug: Since I'm now Post-menopausal, I have been given a new drug called Femara. It is an estrogen blocker for Post Menopausal women who have a history of breast cancer or metastatic breast cancer. It blocks the remaining estrogen that my body produces in fat glands. It has numerous side effects. They are crummy, except that hopefully it works to help keep my cancer at bay. I've only been taking it for a 5 days now so I'll know more after about 30 days.

Thanks for your concern and prayers.